~*~ Memoirs of Lord Roman. M. Black ~*~

' I have had this book in my possession for a long time. It was given to me on my 18th birthday by my Mother. She wished for me to write of my travels. I have never been brave enough to venture into my own mind to give myself the chance to write.
I have been many places, seen many people and it is only Alabaster that has given me the courage to write. I am in need of a place to charter my thoughts, no matter how afraid of them I am.

I arrived in Alabaster incredibly sure of my sense of self, or so I thought... '

*Roman. M. Black

' I have engaged myself in convocation with this cousin. Ariane I believe her name is. One of the daughters of my Uncle Abel.
It is no surprise to me that she is attractive as she is.
It interests me that she is half sanguine, half psionic. She tells me she feeds like a psionic. I admit she smells like one, not that that is meaningful or unfortunate in any fashion

The drinks at the tavern are pleasing, though it was a disappointment to find there is so little food in the Manor. I understand that Psionics do not eat food produce, but I for one enjoy food. Even if it isn't necessary I eat. I merely consume food for the sheer taste and buzz I get from it.

I have met a few people, Ariane has her horde of people about her, seeing as she is the head its expected.
Her uncle Angelo, and his Fiancée - I didn't catch the woman's name, though she is also rather pretty looking.
Another fellow, another Psionic also the young Addonexus that follows her about like a lost puppy. It's admirable that she keeps him as she does.

The woods are a delight - there is plenty of mortals to hunt.
Speaking of which, I have sired a fledgling. She isn't particularly interesting she merely wants a deeper purpose or something.
There was some apparent upset from a by stander that her first feed was from some mortal youngster.
I have little time for peoples qualms when it comes to mortals... '

*Roman. M. Black

'I have had many a convocation with Ariane now. It has been a while since I wrote.
I'm not one for chattering to others, and I have remembered little of the odd meetings with those I have happened to bump into. I
have conversed with the likes of Jack - the Addonexus, and Carrick an apparent friend of Ariane and her bunch. He is fallen I believe, from the large wings protruding from his back.
I mostly sit in silence. Listening...'

*Roman. M. Black

'I am utterly confused and have no way of deciphering what she wants of me, due to the fact she doesn't know.
We are both at a lost and have no map to guild us now. All I know is, there will come a time when I need to feed once more, and she is all but willing to oblige, we have both admitted that we enjoy the rush.
For myself a release, an immense fulfilling experience, and for her - she said it feels like I am draining her of poison.
We have conversed twice about it, each time after out... 'meetings?'
I have gotten little understanding out of them and of how this is going to turn out.

Today the manor became to crowded once more, and her office is not private enough it seems.
I gave up on the notion of feeding and fled to the library for some space, only for her to find me minuets later.
It seems we shared the same thought.
I had reasoned with myself, she was obliging each time and if I wanted it I must go for it.
Without a word I took my chances, the rush was again intense. I had turned a corner with last nights feed and now it was coming into fruition.
I let myself go for once and it felt right....

We stood there, in the library for 2 hours... in each others arms, just talking.
About our lives, our experiences but most of all what we thought was going to happen in the future. She had little to give, apparently she listens to her logical side a lot, and not one to left her instinct sway her, at least not often. Though this didn't inspire confidence within me I have never felt more at ease, when she moved from me I felt cold, yet her scent lingers on me even now... It's comforting

~*~
I have spoken to Angelo, he has just returned from Venice. I only bumped into him when I went to the Med-center for a refill.
I do not know him well but he is a Doctor, he says that the fact her scent irritates my thirst so, and that I now crave her blood so much is 'normal'.
I see there to be nothing 'normal' about it. He had no answer, however, that couldn't explain my feelings, at least not a scientific one.
I do not believe in love... I have never found it before, it has steered clear of me. Until now?'

*Roman. M. Black

' It is early, the sun has just begun to rise over the tree-line. It's orange hue stretches in a cresant formation, across the sky, leaking upward into the vast blue canvas.
I am well rested, sleep seems to have brought me some peace of mind. I find that showers also aid my thinking, perhaps I shall take one and see if any new thoughts came to mind...

It has occurred to me, having read my previous entries, that this infatuation with blood is merely 'Normal' as Angelo stated.
I am to put it from my mind as it has no greater meaning -- other than 'Blood lust'.
Ha, looking back on yesterday I was such a fool, how embarrassed. It seems I can only correct myself with my current actions.

Striving to 'get to know' some more people might not go a miss. There are a few acquaintants I should like to converse with more, to form a fuller opinion of them...
That is all for this morning, I shall no doubt write later. I am getting the hang of this writing'

*Roman. M. Black

'I have woken at a reasonable time this morning, though my thirst is hindering me.

I only fed a little yesterday, it was actually rather experimental. I remained rather distant through the whole thing... I admit it wasn't as invigorating as it had been previous times. I invited Ariane to discuss a few things with me, she also got her chance to look about the cabin. She seemed to like it - though that wasn't really why I had asked her over.

I just wanted to clear the air, and put my mind at ease, convincing myself things were fine as they were wasn't 'working for me'. It was much easier to ask - uncomfortable as it was for her.
Need-less to say I think we both got the hang of where we were going after-ward.

A weight had been lifted off my shoulders, daily I would have to feed; I didn't want to over step any lines and upset her unintentionally.
It seems there are no lines I need to fear...

'Playing things by ear', it sounds rather daunting at first as it gives no sense of direction at all.
Though it actually comforts me more. I have somewhat of a free reign.
Altogether it up me in rather a good mood.

~*~

We went our separate ways only to bump into each other again later.
I arrived at the manor, and as soon as I came Jack disappeared, Odd. I feel a little guilty for leaving him now, had I known what would happen to him... more of that later.
Ariane looked thirsty, so I dragged her out into the forest, she complied of course- I think she may have been intrigued by my mood. I admit it is one I do not show often.
The water of the lake looked rather appealing in that moment, so I took off for a swim while she hunted. I eventually got her to come in with me - via ambush...

We laid out drying on the bank for a good while, the evening was rather warm. Talking backward and forth as always...
Something that had never happened before, happened.
Playing things by ear seems to have given her a new trust in me, or perhaps in herself. It was refreshing to see her 'care-less' about our interactions.
But less of that. On ward and up ward.

We came back to the manor to find Jack injured - my reason for the guilt. In our time alone, together, away from the manor he had come to his death... He is fine now as far as I know, he is up and walking about.
I am still unclear of what actually happened though he was in a bloody state when we found him.

Things are changing... I am intrigued as to what will occur next

*Roman. M. Black

'Things always seem to get in the way, maybe it is a sign. Or maybe I am reading into things - I secretly hope that is the case.

I spent some time with a new acquaintance today - Viola. I believe she is a Sevtocha, how very interesting.
She seemed to have rather a lot of questions about myself, to which she gave answers to mostly herself; needless to say she is very assumptive. I am not sure if it's a quality I fancy, though it was rather amusing at the time.
Hm, overall she was rather 'nice', for lack of a better word. The convocation, though dry in spots - on my behalf was, well, 'interesting'. Again words escape me...

~*~
I find myself having a strong dislike toward Angelo...
Perhaps I am a hypocrite. I also take blood from her, but at least she... likes it? At least isn't it 'medical'.
I'm considering talking to her about it.

Sleep is the only relief from thirst other than feeding, I found myself doing a lot of it yesterday.
Playing it by ear; further down the rabbit hole we go....

*Roman. M. Black

'I have been going through old boxes of my belongings that have been tucked away in my closet in Blue-Ash for years...
Old books, my first journal, CD's and even things spanning back as far as my first few months in Russia.
These things remind me of times in my life that I wouldn't go back to live again if I had a choice. I am much happier here, even if there is a slight tension in the air every-time I look at her, this hiding is driving my insane, though its exhilarating at the same time.
I hope in time the truth will out and this hiding will all come to pass...

Angelo and Rose are getting married today, Ariane is going to the ceremony.
Though I like neither of them; apart, or as a couple. They have brought the thought of finding someone to mind; my view on commitment is altering. For better or for worse? I have no idea.
(I have been listening to music, it brought back memories and I found new meanings in casual lyrics.)
Part of me wants to wake up, back in Blue-Ash and realise this was a dream. I yearn for the norm I am used to
The other part, longs to stay this way - where everything seems perfect, almost at least.
I am tormented when ever I am alone in my thoughts.

~*~
Made a new friend is seems: Khanate. He worked on the cabin with me, though he was only an acquaintance until now.
It's good to have a guy to talk to, he is pretty deep himself - a lycan as comical as that might sound.
I miss Rico' and sometimes Alanya... just sometimes - I guess the first few months with her were a happy time, even if at the time I thought nothing of it.
I have told her to not expect me back home, she seemed to be het-up about that though I cannot fathom why.
I have said before, one day she hates me the next she's madly in love all over again.
She is taking the Baby from Coline when she gives birth, she is only doing it because it will be a part of me, twisted in its logic if you think about it.
I'm terrified. I don't want to be a father...again'

*Roman. M. Black

'The weightlessness and the lack of rest
away from you; I'm in over my head.
Even when it's dark before the dawn
I will feel your grace and carry on
And with every breath of me,
You'll be the only light I see

When I needed a place to hang my heart
You were there to wear it from the start
And with every breath of me,
You'll be the only light I see'

' I haven't written in 2 days now, I guess there wasn't much so say. Things have been moving along 'smoothly'.

- I 've informed Alanya I wont be back in Blue-Ash any time soon

- The baby was born yesterday, apparently she is healthy and no in Alanya's care (A name has yet to be chosen, from what I gathered over the short answer phone message, I woke up to yesterday)

- My pills have stopped working it seems. I have a constant headache from the incessant speaking in my head.
Ariane has refereed me to Angelo, according to him its rather manageable. I should have gone to a Dr. long ago about this. Self medicating is no the way to go.

~*~

I made a rather idiotic mistake yesterday, and made a scene.
I took some sleeping pills to hopefully block out he voices for a while; sleep always seemed to bring relief. It seems that due to my thirst they kicked in a little fast then I had hoped. I thought I would at lest make it into the bed room from my office. I didn't even make it to the lounge - I collapsed in my doorway.
I have no idea how long I was there unconscious but apparently my breathing and heart rate had slowed considerably.
Ariane must have come over to see me, she was the one who found me (NO surprise there).
Angelo was called and he had to 'jump start me', so as I would wake up.

He and I had a long talk about things that had been on my mind. He explained things about Ariane I guess I never would have known - she has been hiding things from me, that or I didn't ask the right questions.
I never realised she was so ill, not that it will make a difference to how I see her, other than I know hold her more precious.

It got me to thinking, should I leave no so she can have a happy life without the troubles I bring.
Or
stay like Angelo suggested, and make what time she has left memorable.
It's a choice she will have to help me make, I don't want to leave her high and dry like some others in her life, but I also don't want to ruin a part of her life she wont get back...'

*Roman. M. Black
In deep thought...

'The last few days have been haunting to say the least.
The lounge in the manor turned into what seemed to be a waiting room - a room that held a 'wait' that seemed eternal.

I have no reason to be so het-up over her illness, but somehow I couldn't leave the manor for knowing she was laying up there.
Sedated as she was, I her scent had altered as it usually does when she is in pain... I knew once it had gone back to it's usual indescribable state - yet 'normal' for her - I could leave.

I spent time pondering over why I was so compelled to stay - but my logical mind gave me no relief nor reason... Sometimes Logic isn't everything huh. It isn't often it seems absent from my mind, though when it does it's usually for only one reason. Dare I say it? Perhaps another entry....

The Lock down passed a day or two ago, and though people had wandered through the manor smelling of the elusive summer that had finally bestowed its self upon the village, a herd of wild horses wouldn't have moved me from that couch.
I haven't slept, nor fed. It can wait for now.'

*Roman. M. Black

The Scent has changed - I am off outside.
~*~

For the first time in a month or so I am outside. No more rain as I last remember, no more darkness.
The Sun!
Her face graces the sky, the clouds have held back their cover- honourably - for the meantime. She has returned to us.

After having been inside for so long, ones eyes adjust to the constancy of artificial light; be is electric lamps, gas lamps or candles.
I feel I should invest in sunglasses' to cope with the brightness of the outdoors. As pleasant as the piercing rays are they are a nemesis to my eyes. In their thirst, they transform into this darker shade (Which any other time causes me any discomfort other than the warning I am thirsty); tends to draw in the light, which in turn blinds me for a short period.

~*~
Alas I lay back in this deck chair soaking up the sun, my shirt lays on the grass as my side. The sun warms my chest most pleasantly, not that I have need for a tan, I merely enjoy basking as I have little chance back home in snowy Blue-ash

Speaking of other places I wonder if Ariane will call off the trip to Venice, due to her illness?

*Roman. M. Black